Not Always A Good Day

Suicidal Glances

Learn from the past.
Do it differently.
My heart is so broken,
It won't go back the same way.
Different won't be hard.
Your smile soothes it a bit
Until i realize, it's because
You're looking at her.

It's not in the pictures we took.
It's not in how you talked to me.
It was lost in the words you never said.
The absence is like a chasm
stretching across the emptiness
That you evacuated.

I am so shattered.
And I don't think I can
Ever tell you just how much
Because when I begin to simply
Concentrate in order to define it...

Tears swell
My chest heaves
My breath draws short
And I'm sinking.
The walls close in
The lights dim
My hands shake...
And then I shut it down.

I can't do it.
I'm not strong enough for that.
Before the tormented wail can
Erupt from the depths within
Myself that are too scary for me
To explore on my own,
I have to make it stop.

And so my once obvious look of
Love has become a forced grimace,
A brave face, well mask actually.
One that refuses to crack beneath
Watchful eyes of loving friends
Searching for the drop that will signal
The breaking of the dam they all expect.

It took my torment, pain, and devastation
To give way to the love that rests on your face
And this is the first time I can remember
My phoenix setting herself on fire knowingly.

Copyright © 2014 Natasha Guy