They Say Time Heals

Don't Remember

They ask about you, you know.
"You haven't mentioned him lately..."
"Are you doing okay since...him?"
"Whatever happened to him?"

Then my face tries to follow
Directions from my internal screams to be strong.
My head dips as I take a deep breath,
Blinking rapidly to hold back the flood.

"Oh, forget I said anything,"
Or something similar, is the usual reaction
When the pain I wasn't able to hide well enough
Hurls toward them like a tidal wave.

Forget? What do you think I've been doing?
Forgetting the love that almost consumed me.
Forgetting the look on my face in that one picture.
Forgetting the organ in my chest that still beats painfully.

Oh, forget all of that?
Yeah, okay.
I'm trying,
But none of this is easy.

Copyright © 2014 Natasha Guy

Not Always A Good Day

Suicidal Glances

Learn from the past.
Do it differently.
My heart is so broken,
It won't go back the same way.
Different won't be hard.
Your smile soothes it a bit
Until i realize, it's because
You're looking at her.

It's not in the pictures we took.
It's not in how you talked to me.
It was lost in the words you never said.
The absence is like a chasm
stretching across the emptiness
That you evacuated.

I am so shattered.
And I don't think I can
Ever tell you just how much
Because when I begin to simply
Concentrate in order to define it...

Tears swell
My chest heaves
My breath draws short
And I'm sinking.
The walls close in
The lights dim
My hands shake...
And then I shut it down.

I can't do it.
I'm not strong enough for that.
Before the tormented wail can
Erupt from the depths within
Myself that are too scary for me
To explore on my own,
I have to make it stop.

And so my once obvious look of
Love has become a forced grimace,
A brave face, well mask actually.
One that refuses to crack beneath
Watchful eyes of loving friends
Searching for the drop that will signal
The breaking of the dam they all expect.

It took my torment, pain, and devastation
To give way to the love that rests on your face
And this is the first time I can remember
My phoenix setting herself on fire knowingly.

Copyright © 2014 Natasha Guy

Sigh

Cyclic Attachment

Goodbye has become a common place
Where I lay to rest dreams and desires.
When I add to the collection,
I tend to browse the aisles and smile
At the memories that once haunted me.

I unpack my expectations and lay down burdens.
You never see hopes and fantasies as baggage
Until those you built them on bid adieu.
They're so much heavier when you carry them alone.
But alas, lifted weight is truly a blessing.

Even though you float away from
All you ever thought you wanted,
A lifted, changed perspective
Allows for an enlightened view
Of all the beauty you missed along the way.

Copyright © 2014 Natasha Guy

It Is National Poetry Month After All

BREAKING DOWN

The pieces resulting from broken
Promises that I made to the mirror
Now serve as the bloody sacrifices that
Fuel the fire preventing me from
Committing necrophilia as I struggle to remember
How to love again.

Love me.
Love you.
Love us.
Separately.
Again.

Slowly, like the smoke rising from dancing flames,
Your remnants have intertwined their scents within
My locs, my speech, and even my heart that now has
Trouble with the grueling feat of producing beats so that
I can love again.

Love me.
Love you.
Love us.
Separately.
Again.

The extraction process is long and
Hard like your body was, like my
Resolve to show you love was.
Now I'm deconstructing a foundation meant to survive
Earthquakes and soul shakes because I had a
Chance to love again.

Love me.
Love you.
Love us.
Now separate.
Again.

Copyright © 2014 Natasha Guy

Reflection Haiku: An Ode To Travel

I.
Doubts and fear rising,
Threatening cancellation.
My wavering faith.

II.
Going wrong ways in
Airports before finding your
Smile waiting on me.

III.
Multitude of firsts,
Some things more than expected.
Not always bad though.

IV.
Footsteps headed your
Direction. Where does this path
Lead? The promised land?

V.
Time to move along.
The fat lady's sung her song.
Feelings in the wind.

VI.
Wheels up and eyelids
Down. I don't see til on the
Ground. Feet still floating.

VII.
Days pass faithfully.
Pics remind of yesterday.
Seems like just a dream.

VIII.
Washing away scents
Remembered by locs of hair.
Memories draining.

Copyright © 2014 Natasha Guy

First 2014 Poem

The One

You were the one
Who made me laugh
With a two word voicemail.

You are the one
Asking all the wrong questions
At exactly the right times.

You'll always be the one
Who provided the comfiest place
In a quiet room.

For now, you are that one.
Who knows if you are my one.
That story hasn't even begun.

I was the one
Who tried to find the gift
You didn't know you wanted.

I am the one
Poking and prodding until
I find your smile's hiding place.

I'll always be the one
Who helped you discover
How Jack fell down the hill.

He and she are not "they".
You and I are not "we" today.
But always friends, come what may.

Copyright © 2014 Natasha Guy

Felt Some Kind of Way

Ideally

You and I
Our collective fly
Chillin on a beach
With 2 drinks each
Cuz we like to dream
Yeah, we like to dream.

Running on the treadmill,
Stop to take a break.
Sixth song pops in my ears,
Realize you're runnin late.
It's our normal time
I went and checked it twice
Must be ridin with her,
Huh, aint that nice.

But ideally...

You and I
Our collective fly
Chillin on a beach
With 2 drinks each
Cuz we like to dream
Yeah, we like to dream.

But we live in reality
And the truth is it bites.
Sometimes you're wrong,
And sometimes I'm right
But we keep it moving
Up and down the hills
And every time you touch me
You're giving me chills.

And ideally...

You and I
Our collective fly
Chillin on a beach
With 2 drinks each
Cuz we like to dream
Yeah, we like to dream.

Just like my vision
Us behind closed doors
We shut out everything
All our duties and all the wars
On that beach with drinks
Saw us doing wild things
Maybe mine was red bull
Cuz I think I had wings.

Ideally...

You and I
Our collective fly
Chillin on a beach
With 2 drinks each
Cuz we like to dream
Yeah, we like to dream.

Come drift with me
Let's do it in the sand
Let's walk on the boardwalk
Strollin hand in hand
Cuz ideally
You and I equals "we"
But this shit here
It's reality.


So... (An incomplete collection of haiku)

You're really telling
Me we're creating a new
Forever for "us"?

Redefined; we've drawn
And erased many a line
And now we're just fine.

Forever running
Congruent with another
Less permanent one.

I was right, you know.
Forevers aren't what they used
To be. This is New.

Welcome forever's
Middle. I've been waiting for
Too long to count time.

Maybe we're beyond
Time. I mean that's forever.
Isn't it, sir?

Copyright © 2013 Natasha Guy

Cleaning Up

Messy

So much hurt
After all the years.
A patched up soul,
Still leaking tears.
I'll never not love you.

What I've let you see:
A painted face,
Never once revealed
With the makeup erased.
I've wanted to show you.

My naked body,
Flesh and bone.
You've seen it all
But my soul's never shown.
Always cloaked in fear.

And now that I'm ready,
The ears that await
Would never come back
To participate in my fate.
What a tangled web.

Copyright © 2013 Natasha Guy

New Old Piece

Mourning The Death of a Dream Deferred

Your smile at the thought of her hurts.

Your excitement for the life with no room for me in it weighs heavily on my soul. 

As much as it hurts, I still smile at your happiness, regretting it's not ours. 

But your smile is magnificent.

I lost you when I kept things in. 

When I vowed to never show you how to hurt me again. 

It hasn't been right since you laughed at the pain you didn't know existed. 

Maybe I wasn't really worth the fight.

I've been trying to hold it all in. 

I'd put on the brave face and the smile that doesn't quite meet my eyes, 

And that held you off for quite a while. 

Kept you away from my withering garden of truths.

But I'm tired of being strong. 

I've grown weary of being a fortress for too long. 

My needs have been kept behind my walls of stone. 'Cause in the end, 

I'm always all alone. And that's the way my story ends.

You've caught on that something's wrong, 

But you won't ask the questions that linger in the room like exhaled smoke. 

You lean in for a hug that rips through to my core. 

I stitch up the unseen wound and thank you for the pain you never knew you were inflicting.

So many times you've just barely missed me swiping at tears that disobeyed, 

Daring to show themselves before your departure. 

You came back to find me once. You asked if I was okay. 

I smiled and lied. "You know, ebay."

Because I'm discovering that the love never fades. 

Your happiness is still more important than mine, whether it's the same or not. 

And your smile makes the lies I tell myself worthwhile. 

All that I said before was actually true.

And just maybe I took the wrong lesson from us. 

Maybe I was supposed to learn that there is no such thing as love... 

Damn it. 

There is no such thing as love.


Copyright © 2013 Natasha Guy

New Words, Old Rhyme

UPSET

Am I upset?
But why am I mad?
You only wanted to show me
Why I don't belong.
I'm such a weakling.
I'm fatter than a bear.
I'm a collection of wrong.
But...why am I upset?

I said I knew these truths.
I know my negative balance.
Why be mad when you repeat it?
Am I crying worthless tears again?
What else is wrong with me?
You figured you knew it all.
No one can be this pointless.
You need to ignore me again.

And so I color it all black.
To match the inside.
Because when it's dark,
No company doesn't matter.
I'm alone despite the voices.
Friend or foe, they are intruders
Shining lights on imperfections.
All the things that make up me.


13 WITHDRAW HAIKU

That is it. I'm done.
I'm throwing my hat in the
Ring; my heart's there too.

Well, no, not really.
There's a chunk of something that
Once resembled love.

You found out where all
My weaknesses tried to hide
And then exposed them.

Each time, impaling
Til scar tissue formed so deep
That's all that remained.

Now I frustrate you with
My inability to
Bleed and produce fruit.

Sow good seed you say.
Then offer me infertile
Soil, hiding your sneer.

Can't help but feel like
I'm playing your court jester
Are you amused yet?

You pull the strings; you
Tell me when and how to dance.
Have I pleased you yet?

"I only want you to
Be happy!" As you paint sad
Frowns upon my face.

Wait, you haven't shown
How worthless I can be yet.
There's more pain to give.

They say you accept
The love you deserve. Guess
This means I get none.

My spirit is a
Poor man's soul. I'd have to pay
To give it away.

So I'm done. That's it.
I'm finally done trying
To give you my love.


YOUR LESSONS

You've successfully hollowed me out.
I am only a shell of who I once was.
Each penetrating stab pushed out moans
And little pieces of my weary soul escaped
On sound waves that littered the spaces.

You set me free.

Now you've come back to mock the echo.
Seeds you drop onto barren emptiness
Refuse to take root in stale, musty air
And you look down upon me in condemnation.

How dare my spirit run dry.

You taught me to never love again,
Giving me the recipe for a petrified heart.
You were only comfortable with me
When my eyes went cold and dark.

I am no longer home.

You are living proof that I am not deserving.
My reflection in your eyes gave truth.
Even with all the good inside of me,
The bad continuously outweighs it repeatedly.

But no one turns down free milk.


JUST ONE NIGHT

It is not a night of debt,
But one of desire and need.
You didn't have to volunteer.
When you did it made me smile.

I wouldn't have to pretend...much.
Cries of ecstasy, not far fetched.
Truth tipped lies could fill the air
With enchanting melodies.

Lie to me sweetly
For just one night.
Pretend the love you claim
Actually exists.

Let me believe
For just one night
That I mean something,
To someone, somewhere.


Copyright © 2013 Natasha Guy