Another Fly on the Wall: June 2010

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Sometimes My Mind Goes There...

Today

I wanted to reach out today.

Then remembered you weren’t there.

Funny how the always in

“I’ll always be there,”

Disappears along with Forever.

The location of “there” changes too.

They all shift to be someone else’s

“Always there, Forever.”

But, that’s life for you.

Your train keeps chugging along.

As the scenery changes,

The passengers change;

Even the track changes.

Some trains get better engines,

Even a shiny new caboose;

Eventually, it all changes.

But, you know what I’ll remember?

The tiniest bit of graffiti

That somehow never gets erased.

Do you remember when and where?

Do you remember how it got there?

Yeah…I didn’t think you would.

Sand

When you leave the beach,

It finds its way into life.

Your hair, car, bathing suit.

It carries with it the smells

Of the ocean.

On a playground,

It is more functional

Than a memory.

It still comes with you,

In your hair, shoes, clothes.

Then in the hourglass,

It all comes together

And makes sense.

The kind of rationale

That makes you lose your mind.

In an hourglass

It is functional.

Though each grain

Represents a memory

As well.

If I chose a grain

From the bottom

Of your personal

Hourglass. Could

You tell me of the day?

The day you met her,

Do you remember that one?

The moment you decided,

When was that?

The second everything changed.

Does any other grain

Matter as much as the

Other?

The last time you had peace,

Is it more valuable than turmoil?

Does the coned pile in the bottom

Weigh more than the ever

Dwindling top?

Which section do you value

More?

Do you realize that the

Top and bottom do not

Equal all?

There will always be the few

Grains stuck in descent.

Will you remember to

Assign these grains value?

Or will they slip through

Unnoticed

As you count the others?

A single grain of sand

Can tip the favor scales.

That single grain

Can also be your last.

So spend your grains wisely.

I still have a few

That I’m waiting

On to drop.

But I won’t miss

Those on their way down.

From the grains in motion

I seek to remove

Items from my

Bucket List.

You were one of them.

Walk With Me

The Path

Love

Attraction

Lust

Friendship

Caring

Tears

Sweat

Denial

Resistance

Growth

Execution

Choices

Need

Want

Desire

Correction

Adjustment

Embarrassment

Surprise

Confusion

Struggle

Pain

Alcohol

Celebration

Exhaustion

Guilt

Emptiness

Sadness

Desperation

All of this

Led to our

Demise.

Each was

A stepping

Stone to

The

Dead End.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Few More

Now and Then

It was me.

I don’t deny it.

I never did.

Eyes wide open.

I had no problem

Being a cheerleader.

But I wasn’t even

Invited to the game.

I read the great reviews though.

I had no problem

Waiting in the wings.

But then the lights dimmed

And everyone else was gone.

I heard the after party was amazing.

I had no problem

Holding down the fort.

But then I realized

I was the only one fighting.

I never saw the signs of a war.

I had no problem

Being invisible

But I thought

You saw me.

I felt you walk right through me.

I didn’t used to

Have all these problems

But now, well,

I guess I do.

Explanation

Now you can be free

Without considering me.

But that’s not why

The door shut.

Now there are no worries about being late

No rushing to reach me with an update.

But that’s not why

I walked away.

Megaphones don’t help

When there is no audience.

Spouting questions is useless

When deemed unworthy of answers.

I don’t mind the shadows,

It’s cooler there anyway.

When the dark is so deep

That I disappear,

Even I forget that

I exist.

That is why

There is no later.

You and Me

You didn’t want to be that guy.

You weren’t.

And I still got hurt.

You wanted to be successful and strong.

You are.

And I still got hurt.

You wanted the world.

You got it.

And I still got hurt.

I’m so happy

You got what you wanted.

And yeah, I’m still hurt.

But then again,

I’m still me.

Back to the Basics

Departure

The thoughts were there;

I pushed them back.

Then you were there,

But memories “we” lacked.

Whenever I had a question,

I felt as if I was invading.

Then came feelings of guilt

And of course the tears were cascading.

I’m not good at this game.

I’m needy, I know.

But I could have sworn the disclaimer

Said it; was it too tiny to show?

We both agreed to take this journey

To see if we could build more.

I wish the problem were

That there was no more to explore.

I know I’m impatient.

You aren’t the first to say that.

Eventually someone will see that I’m

A great addition to their act.

All I know is that I was unhappy

And maybe friends is where we should be.

Then I can’t be hurt at all

When your thoughts never land on me.

I tried to be understanding.

God knows I tried to be strong.

But by then I felt invisible

And time between us grew too long.

I asked repeatedly.

It felt wrong to beg.

It wouldn’t change anyway,

So I went away instead.

I’m not placing blame with you,

I’m not saying there was no fun.

But when my feelings held no weight,

The fun that was there was done.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

History Repeats Itself

As a friend, I don’t care if I never hear from you, or if I'm the last to know.

My pain comes from being neglected when there's supposed to be more.

This Again?

Two words.

Powerful.

Enough energy

To kill.

Simple for you

To discard my way.

Hard for me

To acknowledge

And step away.

So yeah,

This again.

For you

Two times

Too many.

For me,

Life repeats itself.

I hear the

Same

Old

Thing:

You love too hard.

You want too much.

You’re too needy.

You’re great,

But not for me.

So I feel you when

You say,

“This Again?”

It solidifies

My theory.

Some folks

Were meant

For THIS,

Not THIS AGAIN.