Confessions of my soul

The End of the End


Something wasn’t right.
I’d known for months that
Something wasn’t right.
His mother wasn’t letting go.
As his wife I couldn’t take over.

I cannot think about anything
Survival flashes across my brain in neon red.
I cannot think about anything
Nothing else even matters.
I just have to make it until he comes

Time is growing near
I have a twenty-one month old son.
Time is growing near
For me to hold onto yet another child
I’m having our second boy any minute.

He was there
When I was slit from hip to hip
He was there
For one of give hospital recovery nights.
My newborn son and I cried together.

His presence was missing
As my mother and his sister drove me home
His presence was missing
When I stared into empty eyes lounging on our couch.
He asked, “What are you doing home so soon?”

The last heart string broke
When he decided she didn’t need to walk us out
The last heart string broke
When he didn’t call for days to check on us.
I was out of sight, out of mind.

When the phone call came
I shed tears for an hour.
When the phone call came
My friend was sorry to be the messenger.
I was told I needed to come home.

She asked if I was able
To walk and lift the baby on my own.
She asked if I was able
To confront everything waiting on me.
I told my mother that I had to go.

I was totally blindsided when
Another woman was on the other side of his mother’s ring tone.
I was totally blindsided when
His girlfriend asked who I was to my husband.
The father of my children had her in my house.

When shock left and anger came
I went on a mission to find his ass.
When shock left and anger came
I had the look that stopped a 350 pound gorilla that stood 6 foot 3.
He and the neighbors remembered that he was married that night.

Twelve hours after I found out
My things and my children’s things were packed.
Twelve hours after I found out
I asked if I could get a celebration dinner.
I was taking my first steps on the road to freedom.

Two weeks after I left
I had my mother serve him with divorce papers.
Two weeks after I left
I began to fight for my two children.
He told his girlfriend they were dead, now he wanted to lay claim.

At my six week check up I
Was embarrassed and humiliated.
At my six week check up I
Requested every single fucking STD test available.
I learned that the man I saved myself for had given himself to at least four others.

As I tried to move on I found out that
I had shared him with men and women.
As I tried to move on I found out that
All of my tests came back negative.
My babies were safe from the diseases too.

I knew that I had to repeat
The tests in six months to be sure.
I knew that I had to repeat
To myself that I was not just a statistic.
In the mirror, I still saw a 22 year old divorced mother of two.

Now that I have survived and healed
My babies see the strength that I didn’t know I had.
Now that I have survived and healed
I have once again been made whole.
If it wasn’t for Christ, death would have welcomed me home.

In order to grow, I had to let go
Of the perception that THAT man had of me.
In order to grow, I had to let go
And let God.
This is the way that God made Himself real to me.
Copyright © 2010 Natasha Guy